Hot for Teacher

More Poop

2009-04-14T15:39:00.001-07:00

Hello friends and sorry for the amount of time that has passed since my last post. You know how life sometimes just kicks you in the ass and you really can't figure out why? That has pretty much been my year, work related especially, so I have been a little down in the dumps. Don't get me wrong...I love teaching and I love children, and have had one of the most amazing classes ever, but everything else associated with my job has just sucked. And every time I take 2 steps forward, I get pushed back 3. So I figured the best kind of therapy might be to share some fun, insightful information about kids with those of you who take the time to read my little section of Anthony's amazing website.

I promised to continue a little bit on poop and I don't want to disappoint. This is very simple and direct - at what age do you expect your child to be potty trained? 2? 3? 4? I would think when they get to age 3 or 4, they should be able to handle most bathroom issues. While they will probably still find enjoyment in creating a design with their pee or seeing how far they can make their pee shoot out until death, boys should be able to hold their second brain in their hand and aim in the toilet. Girls should know how to pull down their pants, sit and pee. Now for the kicker...everyone poops, right? So don't you think part of the toilet education should be spent on wiping? I know boys have it easy, because they only need to worry about this with a good ole #2, but still, boys and girls should all know how to wipe. Front to back, back to front, circular motion, looking at the toilet paper when done....I don't really care what their personal technique is, or exactly how affective it is. But in Kindergarten, when the child is 4,5 or 6, they should not be afraid to poop at school. And they should not be opening the bathroom door, pants around the ankles, in tears, saying they do not know how to wipe themselves because mommy and daddy do it for them.

Come on parents...don't you do a happy dance once they are out of diapers??? Do you really want to keep wiping your child's dirty butt after age 5? I mean, if they are sick or eat something that does not agree, that is different. But a good old regular bowel movement should be taken care of by the child, don't you think? They might not do as good a job as you, but isn't that why they usually take baths every night? They need to learn a little independence and how to take care of themselves, at least in this particular area. If you child is potty trained and going to school without pull-ups, please PLEASE be the adult and teach them how to wipe. It is really not that hard. If you are afraid of your "baby growing up" I can think of many other ways you can try to hinder the maturity process. Just ask and I'll tell you! But for now, give your child some self confidence and independence...teach them to wipe themselves.

Everybody Poops

2009-03-07T13:32:00.000-08:00

Have you guys ever read the book "Everybody Poops"? It is a good one, and one that is very true. People get very uncomfortable when talking about certain subjects....once you have kids, talking about poop is one of those things that comes naturally...at least that is what I have heard.

Now we all have poop stories...especially you guys out there. For some reason, you are totally comfortable discussing your bowel movements, and honestly ,even though I really don't want to hear about it, bravo for being comfortable discussing the topic. But regardless, once you have kids, everyone has a story to share...

My personal favorite is the story of the beautiful, perfect, darling little girl... which describes every daughter born. They are always perfect, aren't they? Now most people reading this have changed a poopy diaper, which is the not the most fun, but you smile and nuzzle your little one and tell them how much you love them. Then, it happens....that's right....SHIT HAPPENS. I am talking about the explosive kind, where it somehow goes down the legs, up the shirt and gets in your beautiful child's hair. How is this humanly possible you ask? I honestly do not know, but I do know that it happens to at least 90%-95% of the population. If you have not experienced this yet, be ready. It is an experience you will not forget. I will admit, I have heard the story more than once from my dad, Big Daddy, about the day his perfect child shit so hard that it went down the legs, into the shoes, up the back and into the hair. It usually comes up at family dinners, when we have had too much wine, and Big Daddy wants to reminisce about when his girls were little. I will let you decide if it was me or my younger sister he was talking about, but I will never tell you the answer. He did have some very good advice, which I will tell you about in a minute..

First I will tell you about my experience while housesitting for 4 children - 2 boys, 8 and 7, and 2 girls, 4 and 2 (or somewhere around there). As we were playing, I suddenly smelled that aroma that means someone needs a diaper change. I asked the little girl "Did you go poopy?". She just smiled and shook her head no. Uh huh....right. So as she turned to walk away from me, I noticed that her bleach-blond hair was a little brown at the bast of her neck. I went to investigate and yup, you got it...it was poop. I sat for a moment, pondering my choices, then remembered my Dad's story. I lifted her very gently, so as not to spread the poop any more than it was already spread, and put her, clothes, shoes and all, straight into the tub.

Friends, this is the only thing you really can do. If it is during the summer and warm out, I would suggest taking them outside and hosing them and the clothes off. As long as it is warm enough and your child likes the water, this would be easiest. I did not have that choice, so I carried her carefully up the stairs, plopped her in the tub, and rinsed off the clothes as well as her. I have never seen anything like it, and had to just laugh to myself, imagining the words that must have been coming out of my Dad's mouth as he did this. I kept those words to myself, scrubbed the little girl until she was clean as a whistle, and then carefully carried the clothes down for a nice, thorough washing.

It will happen, so be prepared. And please make sure to remember it, so you can thoroughly embarrass your children at the most inappropriate times. This is your right as parents. I would suggest thinking hard about where and when you discuss and in front of who, because chances are your children have stuff on you as well that you may not want discussed in public. But definitely remember it for when they have children, so you can give them advice on how to deal with it. My sister is having a little girl in June, and I have a feeling I will be hearing the story again sometime soon...

Next post will focus a little more on Kindergarten age children, but will still have to do with bathroom topics. Some of you will probably be surprised at what I have to say.....

Breasts...Men's Favorite Pasttime

2009-02-17T17:14:00.000-08:00

We have already "touched" on the subject of breasts, but today I would like to really "grab a hold" of the subject. First of all, half of the world has breasts starting around age 12. Most of the time they just sit there, are annoying when running, and occasionally make it hard to sleep on your stomach. Then, if you are lucky enough, they become the source of food for a child (hopefully your own). What is the big deal? I think part of the reason men and boys love them so much is because they don't have them, and that they are pretty readily available to be seen or touched. Even under clothing, you know they are there...
As I've said before, I have had the privelege of having mostly best friends who are males, which makes for interesting conversations. So I know for a fact that guys love breasts...even if you are not a "breast man" you still love them and notice them. Boys become aware of breasts while breastfeeding and the infatuation just continues...

I had a child in my Kindergarten class a few years ago...great kid, very smart, great sense of humor. His dad was a Congressman, who will remain nameless. Now to give you a little background, I am a hugger. Young or old, I love to give hugs. I think it is part of what makes me a good teacher, but who really knows. I just know that hugs are not too invasion, you do not share many germs, and I will not get arrested for it.

So one day, before nap, I was going around, helping the kids get settled. I was giving them all hugs as usual, when I came to this one boy. I gave him a big hug, and let's just say he was tall enough that his head came right up to my ample breasts (that's right, I said ample!!) He pulled back, took both hands and grabbed more than a handful and said "What are those?"

Please realize at this point that most teachers of young children are immune to the boob touch. It happens frequently and innocently, unless your last name is Moorefield.

This was quite a grab. As I sat there, pondering how to answer, the only phrase that came to mind, as he had a hold of the girls, was "Well, that is just a part of me". Next thing I knew, he let go and said "Oh yea, those are your breasts", turned around and proceeded to lay down for an innocent nap, as if nothing had happened.

Here was an educated child!! Bravo parents! He was taught the appropriate term and was not confused or scared by them! This is how to do it. The child that grabs a hold of breasts and truly has no idea what they are, or what they are for, I just feel sorry for. Do you need to tell them all the dirty details...absolutely not! But the basics...their name, what they are used for....this is not a bad thing to teach a kindergartner. As I have said before, this is the age that they start "getting it". That way, when they feel up their teacher, they can at least act smart.

Use the Force.......

2009-02-05T17:29:00.000-08:00

Well, I have officially been given a page, so now the pressure is on. Hope I do not disappoint....

While I have many stories and quotes saved up over the 10 years of teaching, something happened today that I had to share. The boys in the class are obsessed with Star Wars...which is fine by me!! I grew up loving Luke and Han Solo, and have to admit that every summer I would have a Star Wars marathon and watch all 3 movies. Well, now they have made 1,2 and 3. I don't know about most of you, but if you are anywhere near my age, 1 is Star Wars, 2 is Empire Strikes Back, and 3 is Return of the Jedi. There is nothing like the originals out there....Yoda, the Millenium Falcon, Chewbacca, the Ewoks....I could go on and on.....

But now, when the children start talking, I have to remind myself that when they refer to Star Wars 1 or Star Wars 2, it means the more recent ones that have come out. Very confusing at times, when we start discussing our favorite scenes. So today, some of the boys, who have recently seen number 2, were discussing it and their favorite and non favorite parts. Well one of them said "It was great. I just did not like the making out scene". I had to think for a minute, and ask who was making out. Well it was Anakin and Padme, so I figured out it was not Empire Strikes Back. Well, I come to discover that it was the wedding scene that he considered the make out scene, which was pretty much one kiss. Then we got into a whole discussion about kissing....5 year olds have a very interesting take on it. I either heard "EEEWWWWWWW, that is gross" or "My mom and dad kiss all the time" or "My mom and dad never kiss". Which led me to pass on this advice...
.....your children will share EVERYTHING at young ages with anyone who will listen. Yes, especially those embarrassing moments when you have cussed in front of them, or farted, been caught having "quality time" with your spouse, or maybe had more than 2 beers with dinner. We teachers hear it all!!! I know what kind of beer parents drink, how fast they were going when they were pulled over and given a ticket, and who snores in the family. Luckily, I have a very good sense of humor and am a pretty nice person, so I just keep the details to myself. And the kids share all of these stories with their friends more than you could ever believe. So just be prepared...and remember to be nice to the teachers....chances are they know more about you than you will ever know...
I still think the original 3 Star Wars movies are the best..I have seen the new ones, and I do like seeing how everything began, but no Han Solo? Just doesn't seem right.....

Alcohol 101

2009-01-03T09:04:00.000-08:00

I ended the last post with a comment from one of my students...."My Dad is going to California....his friend is turning into a man."

Now, back in the day, we would not have thought twice about this, but it could mean so many different things. My first thought was that his friend was born in the "wrong body" and was going to become a man. It took a few choice questions made by myself and my coworker to figure out that his dad's friend was having a bar mitzvah and was "becoming a man". Kids say the damndest things....which leads me to my next story....

We were doing a unit on presidents and laws. We had talked about people such as Abe Lincoln, George Washington, and our president at the time, George Bush. Well, someone asked about laws, and we got into the discussion of how there are 50 states in the US, but that some states had different laws than others. Now, of course the ones I was thinking of involved where alcohol is sold (yes, that is right, teachers drink too). I love the states that have drive-thru liquor stores (unfortunately Virginia does not, but this would have prevented me, Eric and quite a few others from graduating, so maybe that is a good thing). Well, I decided to discuss how in some states you can buy beer and wine in a grocery store and other states you had to go to a special store where you could buy it. Well, then the fun begins...

"What is alcohol?".....God's gift to teachers? The reason for the majority of embarrassing photos in circulation? Why I saw all of my male friends in college naked at one point or another, when there was no hooking up going on? No, not the right answers...so I explained how beer, wine and liquor are considered alcohol and that you have to be 21 to drink it. I said it was a "law". Then I get the "why do you have to be 21 to drink alcohol?" Well, I explained that alcohol sometimes makes you feel funny and that you have to be older to understand it. Then, because I am a blond, I mentioned that you should never drink and drive....well, i saw over half the kids in the class get really big-eyed and scared, and look up and say..."my mom/dad drinks and drives every day"...."they drink coffee/diet coke/water all the time when they drive!!" Hahaha....well I explained that those did not have alcohol in them (unless you were in my Substance Abuse class and had added Beam to your soda from Wendy's). Well, then I got the hard questions....

"Why can't you drink alcohol and drive?".....damn, you should have seen my face. I'm sure it is similar to what yours will look like the first time your child says a cuss word or asks you where babies come from. I am actually pretty good on the spot, so I explained that you do not see things the same, that sometimes things are blurry or fuzzy and that you do not react as fast as you normally would. I gave the example of catching a football.....without alcohol you can catch it, but after drinking, you move slower and often cannot catch it. Ok, most of us can catch a football while intoxicated and have for that matter, but give me a break...I had 18 5-6 year olds looking at me!!

So they needed clarification on the drinking and driving...this is when I started to sweat. But this is when I think I am at my best. I said "Have you ever been in a car and a deer jumps out in front of it? Well, what do your parents do? They stop or try to stop. Well, if you have been drinking, you are more likely to not be able to stop and so you hit the deer and hurt it, because your reactions are slower. Would you want that to happen?" Of course, they all said no. Then I got the question "How much can you drink and still be able to drive?" Hello, smart children....holy hell, what do I do here??? So I said that you can have a drink with dinner and then still drive afterward because it takes about an hour to get it out of your system. Most of them looked much better afterward, because now what mommy and daddy do is ok. About this time is when I said "Ok, recess time, let's go!!" and ended the conversation.

Now I emailed the parents to let them know about our conversation, because if one of these precious children had gone home and started talking about alcohol and getting drunk, I would have had some explaining to do. I made it sound good, because that is what I do. I had some very special parents that year, 2 that need to be mentioned.

One, who I was close to, called me and said "That's great, real great. Now I can only have one Coors Light at dinner? You just totally screwed me over! My kid will be watching the whole time!" Hahaha...one of my favorite parents/people. I apologized and said to just get draft beer and make sure her child was not looking when refilled. Or have her husband drive....either way works in my opinion.

The second parent sent me an email with a story I will never forget. They were having a family dinner, including her husband, 2 high school age children and her kindergartener. She asked her youngest "What did you learn today at school?". He responded "We learned about Abe Lincoln and laws. We learned that you have to be 21 to drink alcohol and that if you drink and drive you might kill a deer." Apparently her high school kids both spit up what they were drinking. I wish I had been there to see everyone's faces.

Moral to the story...as hard as it is, I always try to be honest with my students. I ask them not to lie to me and I think it is only right to treat them the same way. Would I advise teaching your 6 year old about alcohol...NO!! But they have questions, and at some point they will find out if you told the truth or not. I always tell my students it is better to tell the truth than lie, even if you did something really bad (like hit someone). So far, it has really worked well for me. Would you like your child to tell you the truth, even if you may not want to hear what they have to say, or would you rather them lie? I am not talking about taking Santa away from them at a young age, but remember that kids are smarter than you think. I would rather have a child make mistakes and know they can come to me and be honest, then learn to lie to not get in trouble. If you teach them early, then you will hopefully have a child that grows up to an adolescent who comes to you about sex, drugs and alcohol (yes, they will be doing exactly what we did). Teenage years are rough no matter what, but this is a way to open up the lines of communication early so that when it is really important, they will come to you. Have consequences for bad choices, but make the consequences worse if they lie then if they tell the truth, no matter what they have done....

Quote (2 kids are having a disagreement)..."I'll just let Jack be right. He's wrong, but I don't feel like talking about it anymore."

If you can read.....

2008-12-18T08:26:00.000-08:00

Well, it looks like I have passed the test! I am allowed to keep writing stories to share with you. Now, I suppose I can stick with kid advice and what not, but if you every want a story on "Eric the Expectant", I have plenty of those. Just let me know...

So the topic today is going to be reading, something most of us can do (sorry Anthony) and take for granted. Does anyone remember learning to read? I have a vague recollection, but being blessed with the opportunity to teach a new group of kids to read every year gives me a unique perspective on the process. People, it is damn hard for kids to learn to read! At the beginning, it is like someone putting a story in front of you, written in a foreign language, and making you read it. I took a class once about teaching children to read and they gave us something to "read" in Arabic...damn impossible if you ask me. But that is exactly what it is like for kids.

I don't want to bore you with the specifics, but here is a little advice....do not expect your child to read at 3!!! If they do, it does not mean they are a genius (unless you are the child of Mark, Anthony or Eric). Kids start to read anywhere from between age 3 and second grade. A little obvious, but it must be said....THEY WILL LEARN TO READ!!!! It will happen sooner or later, so do not freak out and do not compare you child to everyone else's child. Every one of us has what I call a "switch" inside of us...we can give all the tools and all the experience possible, but until that switch is flipped, there is not much we can do to make a child read. You will know it when it happens, because all of a sudden your kid will start reading things in the car, at the grocery store, etc. The worst part about it, is you will not be able to spell things out to your spouse/friends anymore. For example, if you say to your spouse "How about after the kids go to sleep, we have wild and crazy S-E-X?" Age 5-6, when they start to read, is when they will start to be able to decifer this kind of talk. Then you will be faced with the terrifying question "What is sex?" Just be forewarned....stop thinking they cannot spell things out when they hit Kindergarten. This will save you from some very awkward and potentially life-scarring conversations (for you and your child).

Read to your kid every day. That is the best thing you can do. Also, be involved in some way with their schooling. Do not be an overobsessive parent, but be interested and involved. I have had 2 kids specifically in the past, who have had those perfect kind of parents. Both of the kids I am speaking of could read and write in January and Kindergarten and were just all around good kids. At conferences, after being bogged down with "how does my child compare to so and so's child?" and "when will my child start doing this and this?", these parents came in, and before I even opened a report card (yes, that is right, a 5 page report card with 5 paragraphs of comments for each child!!) they said "Is my child a good person? because that is the most important thing...". Hallelujah!!! Miracles do happen!! This is what you people need to be worried about! They will learn to read, I promise you that, even if they have dyslexia, ADD or any of the variety of issues that some kids have. If you are involved and actually care about your kid, it will happen. Taking the time to make sure you child becomes a good person, treats others fairly, is much more important in my opinion, and starts at home. Try to work on teaching them good values before you turn them into the next Albert Einstein.

This is a more serious post, but one I feel is quite important. Do not worry, because I have many more things to share.....my next post I think will be about alcohol awareness and 5 year olds..it is a good one, I promise. I will try to mix semi serious with absolutely hysterical whenever possible. I will leave you with a quote from Kindergarten...."My dad is going to California.....his friend is turning into a man!!"

I will reveal what than means in my next post.....

When Life Gives You Lemons.....

2008-11-20T18:43:00.000-08:00

Quite a while ago, Anthony asked me if I would like to write a few stories for you parents/expectant parents. I told him I would love to, and then got too wrapped up in what can only be called "every day life" to write anything. I decided it was damn time to write about some of my experiences. So here it goes.... Just so you have a little background on me, I am a 30-something single female, who has had the honor and privelege to know Anthony and Mark for a few years, and Eric since college. I have thoroughly enjoyed being made fun of by all 3, as well as propositioned by at least 2 of them, and I must admit, have seen one of them naked on more than one occassion. I believe I actually have pictures, but I am guessing that is not what this site is all about.

I have been in a classroom of 5-6 year olds for the past 10 years. Kindergarten to be exact. So while the creaters of this web site have first hand knowledge of the 9 months prior to birth, birth and the months after, I would like to think I have the experience concerning the Kindergarten age child. And let me tell you, I have some advice/stories to tell.....

For the first installment, I thought I would still with a popular subject...breasts. You either have them, like to touch them, or both, so I figured everyone would be pretty happy. Do you ever think back to when you were 5 or 6? Most of us remember certain things, and remember learning ABC's, 123's and pretty much all the basics that we now take for granted. I have been lucky enough in my 10 years of teaching to have wonderful groups of children come and go, and many fond memories. What I am about to tell you honestly and truly happened...

As I said, I teach Kindergarten. A few years ago I had a very active and creative bunch. Most days I either laughed or cried because of their antics, and I have no regrets. I was lucky enough to walk into the hallway during a discussion between 2 of my boy students. They both seemed upset, and I decided to try and help them "use their words" to resolve the conflict. Little did I know what I was about to hear... To make a long story short, they were discussing breasts. I believe they called them boobs. I said "Ok.....well what are you argueing about then?" Apparently one child was very adamant that breasts provided lemonade, while the other disagreed. Yes, that is right...I said lemonade. The child who believed the lemonade theory was getting teary, because the other boy would just not believe him. The other boy said that nothing came out of breasts at all. At this point, I had to turn my head and just laugh for a few minutes, because I could not believe what I was hearing. Needless to say, we had to discuss how breasts, only on females, produce milk, but only after having a baby (luckily they did not ask for details on that). The one boy was very upset, and looked up at me, and asked very seriously "Are you sure they don't give you lemonade?" I said I was pretty sure, but that if he wanted to make sure, he should ask his mom and dad.

Please educate your male children about breasts. I know it is every adult male fantasy to have breasts that will give them either bourbon or beer on command (can you imagine???), but in reality, this only happens in dreams. Please make sure they understand the basic REALITIES of breasts. Fantasies about breasts and what they can give you can come after they hit puberty or spend a weekend being corrupted friends like Anthony and Mark (beware Eric! Payback is a bitch).

I guess we will have to see if this is worthy to be published by the master. If it is, I have many more stories and advice. Some will be on a more serious note, and some will be similar to the above story. Regardless, I hope you take my stories to heart and realize that 10 years with 5-6 years olds has not completely erased my memories from college or my dirty sense of humor......more to come......

Defining Moment

2008-09-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

I was stuck on the beltway this morning in dead stop traffic, with the car in park I cursed the construction of the new HOT lines for which I blamed the delay. I was growing more and more panicked that I wouldn't make my 11:30 appointment at the Apple store in Tysons Corner, you know what Nazi's they are on the "Genius Bar" if you're late! Eventually, after 15 minutes we started moving and I could see a fire truck and a couple of ambulances on the right shoulder. I was in the middle of making a mental note to not be so hasty at blaming construction when I saw the scene which made me realise that being a mom changes everything. It had been a two car accident, one vehicle was an SUV that was on its roof and so crumpled I'd honestly be surprised if the occupants survived or at least weren't in critical condition. The other vehicle was a minivan which wasn't in as bad shape but was still pretty beaten up and facing the wrong way. Standing next to the minivan was a woman holding a toddler, both looking shaken but luckily uninjured. I got that sinking feeling in my stomach and my eyes started to fill with tears - what if that had been us? what if something had happened to our daughter? I glanced in my rear view mirror and saw our daughter peacefully sleeping, blissfully unaware of the horror that was outside her window. It was at that moment that I realised that no matter how many times people tell you about the overwhelming love you will have for your child, you will not know what it feels like until you become a parent. The kind of love that without a second thought you would do whatever it takes to keep them safe. I immediately put my hands at 10 and 2 and drove the speed limit the rest of the way - every little thing counts.

Who knew babies were such loud sleepers

2008-08-30T05:56:00.000-07:00

For the first 5 weeks of our daughter's life she slept in the same room as my husband and me. I remember thinking, wow babies make a lot of noise when they sleep. I figured that as a new parent I was just a light sleeper and was hearing every little sniff, cough and coo. The transition of moving our daughter into the nursery went well and we realized that monitors are a wonderful thing, if you set the volume to just the right level you can hear your baby's cries but can't hear the nighttime grunting.

Right now we are staying at my in-law's house for the holiday weekend and as a result are rooming in with our 2 month old daughter. I thought she made a lot of noise during the night as a newborn but boy is she loud now. To start with she snores louder than my husband, she sniffs, grunts and breathes so loudly it took me forever to fall asleep last night. At 3am I woke up and before I opened my eyes I honestly thought it was the morning and that my husband was playing with our daughter. I opened my eyes however to pitch black and the sound of our daughter not so quietly amusing herself in her bassinet. She was kicking her legs and banging them on the mattress, talking to herself and even laughing. This went on for about 20 minutes before she started to get tired again and was sucking on her hands so loudly I thought she was going to suck her skin raw!

When we leave my mother-in-laws house I'll miss the great food and the fun we have but I won't miss rooming in with our daughter, maybe next time I'll take my in-laws up on their offer to have our daughter sleep in with them!

The frustration of buying baby clothes

2008-08-29T13:52:00.000-07:00

My husband and I have decided to go on our first family vacation to the beach, I am so excited I immediately ran out to Babies R Us to buy our daughter a mini bathing suit. I walked in, headed straight for the clothing department and stopped dead in my tracks. I was pretty sure that the temperature in the parking lot was in the high 80s so why was it that I was staring at fur coats, rain boots and rows of sweatshirts? I went up and down the aisles but all I could find was fall clothing. Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought we still had another month of 70+ degree temperatures. I saw a store employee nearby, I approached her and asked where I might find the baby bathing suits. She ushered me over to the clearance rack and told me that anything they had left would be in there. She then proceeded to lecture me on the fact that I need to buy clothes 3 months in advance because they stock fall clothes in the summer, winter clothes in fall etc. So what she was telling me was that when I was 8 months pregnant I should have predicted that at 2 months old I would want to take my daughter to the beach and may need a bathing suit?!!! Now I know that adult clothing stores stock the following season's clothing which always seems strange to me but I figured everyone else was just more organized than me, but the one thing I have learned since having a baby is that every baby brand of clothing is different in their sizing and you really can only use the age on it as a loose guideline. Today alone my daughter has worn an outfit which consisted of a onesie for age 3 months and a pair of pants which are for a newborn and a dress for age 6 months and every single item fitted her perfectly - go figure! So while I applaud the designers of baby clothes for their ability to make miniature versions of adult clothes I really which they would launch their clothing during the correct season rather than forcing parents to guess what size their child will be in 3 months!

Gas! (and I don't mean the kind you put in your car)

2008-08-22T10:52:00.001-07:00

When my husband and his friends are together and one of them burps they all laugh. When our 2 month old burps we praise her. Friends of mine who have toddlers simply remind them, "what do you say?" after they burp, and I remember as a teenager burping and being told "no, we don't do that".

So why is it that the same bodily function is viewed so differently throughout our life? I keep asking my husband, at what point will we stop praising our daughter for burping and start frowning upon it?

I decided to go to Wikipedia to see what they had to say about it, to see if I could determine what reaction we really should have to belching. I didn't find an answer but it was a hilarious read, here are some highlights:

"The current Guinness world record for the loudest burp is 118.1 dB, set by Paul Hunn from London, England in 2000 (This would be noticeably louder than a chainsaw at a distance of 1 meter.)"

"In many parts of the world, audible burping is not much appreciated and is therefore considered to be somewhat impolite (although generally not as much as flatulence). However, in other areas it can be considered a sign of completion of a meal or a form of applause for the cook."

"An average cow is thought to emit between 542 litres (if located in a barn) and 600 litres (if in a field) of methane per day through burping and exhalation, making commercially farmed cattle a major contributor to the greenhouse effect."

But I digress...

I was recently in the fitting room at Kohls with my daughter when she let out the longest and loudest fart I think I've ever heard from her. I was mortified, what if the other women thought it was me? I found myself saying my daughter's name very loudly in a "shame on you" kind of way, just to make sure people new it wasn't me. My poor child, she just needed to relieve some built up pressure from her immature intestines. If you put it that way is expelling gas really such a shameful thing?

I guess the answer is not for an infant who knows no better and maybe not quite so much for a toddler who is learning that there is a time and a place for this type of natural bodily function but maybe the teenagers and our husbands should read the second Wikipedia quote above one more time and realise that we live in the part of the world that deems it somewhat impolite!

Unsolicited Advice

2008-08-21T17:48:00.000-07:00

When I was pregnant I read a lot of advice in books and on websites about how to deal with unsolicited belly touching from complete strangers. Why is it that when you're pregnant your stomach becomes public property? For those of you who are still pregnant, the best advice I found was that when a stranger approaches you to talk about your pregnancy rest your hands on your bump, this creates a physical barrier without having to go through any awkward "please don't touch my belly" situations - it worked for me.
After I gave birth I no longer tensed up when the little old lady at the grocery store approached me, there was no longer a belly to touch so therefore no chance of any awkward situations right? Wrong. When you have a baby there are a whole new set of awkward situations you now have to deal with - unsolicited advice.
Example - I had just had lunch with some girlfriends, at which I had also fed my baby. After lunch I went next door to a shoe store where my daughter started to get a bit fussy (she was ready for a nap but wanted to watch what was going on around her). As I was hurrying to make my purchase so that I could get my daughter into the car and off to sleep and thus tending to her needs the cashier looked at her and then at me and said "it looks like someone's about ready for a feed". Now i'm sure the cashier meant no harm in saying this and maybe my post-natal hormones were still lingering but her comment really bugged me. Did she think I was a bad mother? That I didn't know my own daughter? I felt like saying "don't tell me whats wrong with my child". Why did this woman who had met my daughter for 5 seconds suddenly think she was the expert on my baby's needs? As a new mom you are constantly asking yourself "am I doing this right?" so the last thing you need is a stranger suggesting that infact you aren't doing things right, you're shopping for shoes when you should be feeding your child. It seems that every middle-aged woman I meet at the grocery store, in the elevator or worse still the little old lady at the library thinks that I need advice on how to raise my daughter. Unfortunately I am yet to discover a "rest hands on your belly" type of pre-emptive strike, instead I just smile, thank them for their advice and then walk away. If anyone knows of a way to prevent strangers giving you unsolicited advice in the first place, bar staying in the house all day, please do share it with the group.

Some things you just have to change

2008-08-20T18:23:00.000-07:00

The one promise I made to myself when my husband and I agreed that I would be a stay-at-home mom was that I wouldn't turn into a frumpy housewife. I wanted to make sure that I continued to take pride in my appearance and didn't look like a 40-something instead the 20-something that I am. So when we got an invitation to a family birthday party I was excited to go out and buy a nice (non-maternity) dress to wear. I went shopping with my sister and cousin, I stayed in the dressing room at Macy's while the girls took it in turn to bring me dress after dress until we finally found one that said "chic mama" (and that would easily camouflage spit up). Now all we needed were accessories - we decided to pick out the brown flowers in the pattern, we found a brown necklace, brown shoes and then my cousin held up a gorgeous brown purse the size of a small postcard and said "you've got to get this it will match perfectly" - I took one look at the totally impractical purse and said "no, don't worry my diaper bag is brown i'll just put my phone and keys in that." It was at that point that I realised that no matter how much I wanted my wardrobe to stay the same as it was pre-pregnancy, there are some things that now I'm a mom I have to change. So in I walked to this fabulously upscale birthday party in my chic dress, high heels and a diaper bag on my shoulder - its ok, my husband was right behind me in a jacket and tie and carrying a baby in a car seat - welcome to the world of parenting!

Babies don't come with a snooze button

2008-08-18T15:47:00.000-07:00

It's been 8 weeks now since our little bundle of joy arrived and over the past week she has started "sleeping through the night". Why have I put this in quotation marks? Let me expain...
From day one our daughter has been a good sleeper, in fact the first week of her life we had to wake her up during the night to feed. She quickly fell into a routine however of going to bed at 9pm and getting up at 9am, waking twice a night to feed for about an hour each time. I quickly learnt to sleep when baby sleeps and was getting about 10hrs a night, sure it wasn't 10 straight hours but it was 10hrs none the less. I felt great, I had so much energy and couldn't understand why all the books talked about sleep deprivation. That was until she started "sleeping through the night" - there I go with the quotation marks again.
According to the experts a baby is said to be sleeping through the night if they sleep for 6 straight hours. The first time it happened it scared the hell out of me. I woke up at 4am to silence - oh my God, i've slept through my baby's cries and she's starved to death. After a mad dash to the nursery my fears were luckily NOT confirmed. There she was sleeping peacefully, her little Buddha belly gently rising and falling. Eventually she woke up at 5am for a feed and was awake for the day. So while i'm glad our daughter has reached this monumental milestone, i'm not so thrilled that the amount of sleep I get each night has gone from ten to six, NOW I understand about the sleep deprivation all those books were talking about!
This morning as I was waking to the sound of our daughter crying through the monitor and similtaneously hearing my husband's alarm go off I looked over with envy as he hit snooze for another 10 minutes of sleep and thought to myself - why don't babies come with a snooze button?